Where do I start with this post? It’s my first since returning from the UK. It’s my first since letting a few of you know that my Dad passed away, suddenly, unexpectedly, on April 19th.
While being home in the UK, it seemed the best thing to do was to be strong for everyone else… so I did that. Now being back in my life, it’s allowing myself to feel and remember and forgive and love… sometimes all at once. I am not the first daughter to lose a Dad, nor will I be the last. While I know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve, it feels so disorienting right now, to feel so sensitive and bewildered, forgetful and guilty, regretful and hopeful, light and then angry… tears fall randomly, for no apparent reason, smiles feel wrong and yet natural… Life goes on. As a Mom, meals need preparing, my little one has games and school and homework, of course, life goes on.
The only way I know how to move my self forward right now is slowly, with gentleness and with lots of self-care. I’m going for some extreme-self-care. I’m not sure what that looks like yet, I’m sure it will include more yoga, more meditation, more journaling, more early nights, more quiet times, more self-love. Maybe it feels a bit like parenting myself? It is already including so many questions… What is truly important to me? What is beautiful to me? What do I really, truly want my life to be about, to be known for, to be remembered for? What’s my legacy? I know I have asked these questions before and I thought I had some answers, but everything feels different now, as I adjust to the new normal. Without that quiet, strong, beloved presence, always there, always available, always wanting only the best for me…. and while yes, of course, we sometimes disagreed on what that looked like… it was always there, from the heart.
While I’m sure this heightened sensitivity will pass and I will have clarity again. Right now, I’m just moving slowly, with my precious memories and extreme self-care. Whatever that looks like.
Feel free to share your tips for self-care with me, detox bath recipes, local practitioners, pick me up essential oil combos… whatever you’ve got for me, I’m open. Cracked open. xo
I found the most comforting thing to do after my father died was to talk often to people who knew him well (family and friends), remember him by placing flowers near his picture and mentally chattering with him as if he was there. I was able to feel closer to him and it was easier to bear the loss.
I also found that our one year death anniversary function when I was finally able to be with family again to be the best closure.
Thank-you love, this is very helpful. xo